The year is 1863. John Burns, a 69-year-old shoemaker (and town laughing-stock) who has been denied enlistment to fight in the Civil War, marches into the battle of Gettysburg dressed in his Sunday best. After sniping down countless Confederates, Burns receives multiple bullet wounds to his hind-parts, passes out, is captured by the enemy, escapes the Confederate camp (following life-saving surgery), and becomes the very thing he had spent his life trying to talk into existence – a damn hero.